I went on a trip with my friend last weekend.
In fact, it was like an escape for me.
I needed some time-off not to think about him and have fun by myself not with him.
I knew that i would be worried about what he was doing and so forth, but on the other hand, i thought it would be a good time for him to think about me and felt something being himself.

To say diretly, he did worry alot about what i was doing.
He sent me texts which were about nothing special.
He called me at nite and checked out what I did on that day.
when I got contacts with him, i thought he cared about me so that he called me or whatever.
but actually it was not.
he went out with his buddies and met hot girls in bar or club.
I found it coz he wrote it on his blog.
Before reading his diary, I had no clue what he did on that weekend.
I didn't bring my laptop of course. I really wanted to be separated from my real life in NY.
I really needed it to keep my calm and not going nuts.

actually, before the trip, he called me and we made some promises.
going out and dancing with somebody are OK
but no kiss, no sex.
That's what we made.
I don't know if he kept the promises or not.
I did though. anyway I didn't have any chances to meet any guys on the trip....

and when we talked about it, he confessed something important, at least, for me.
he is dating another girl. He met her before we met.
he is dating with me and her only (right now)
I said if u dating with somebody else and not consider me as an exclusive one, I'll reconsider our relationship.
yes, I said it.

after some counseling sessions, i found my self so exhausted physically and emotionally.
I went out with him every nite and have arguments almost every single day.
I just don't think I am who I was before, right now.
I need a break and have to dicipline myself. gotta controll my mind.

since I heard that he IS dating with somebody else and writing his meeting-girls diary on the internet, I decided to see other guys.
I won't tell him I will or I did.
It's not my obligation.
but I have good guys who think about me as special or more important that he does.
so i guess I should to go for them.

other things that he said and irritated me were that i asked my friends to take care of him meaning watch him in club so that she can tell me what happen in clubs.
That's so natural. don't u think so?
coz I was away i couldn't watch up with anything.
I can't trust him anymore since he did tell me a lie.
actually I told him about that and he said " I thought you knew it already so i thought I wouldn't need to tell u"
what's wrong with u???
even though we talk a lot every nite, you won't tell me about you meet my friends?
that's so ridiculous.
I've already got over it and no longer be angry at him but it just doesn't seem right to me.
anyway, after I said what I felt, I kinda feel better.
I said what I wanna said so at leat it's good for me.

I found out that he went to my friend house at one nite.
He did not tell me about it.
I was so shocked when I heard that from my friend.
She said neither of them didn't do anything but just talked.
I believed in my friend but not him.

Why didn't he tell me that? If there was nothing, why not????
I just can't believe in him anymore....
Like he can't, I can't too.

I know we are " friends" but i wanna know that he met AND went to MY friend's apt.
If it's not my friend, it is a different story.

I don't know what he is thinking.
Two hours ago, I left a message on his cell and he never called me back.
I sent a text of course he never replied to me.

I just don't see the point.
He just wanna fuck me? No. In that case, he won't go out with me.
He just wanna fuck around or show his ego???
How childish!

I have no clue what's in his mind.

I had a good conversation yesterday, and had dinner.
I thought we are going well.
But obviously not.

he just plays me around.
He fucking makes me crazy!
I'm going nuts!!!!!!!!!!!

The thing is that this kinda thing happens every day.
It bothers me alot.
I wanna take my private time to think about myself not him.
I know he wants to too.
But we just fuck each other and kinda hurt each other all the time.
As I said before, it's so vicious circle.

Why not staying calm in one place?
why not just concentrate on what u've gotta do?
why do u wanna fuck ur life up??

I talked with my two friends tonite and both said he is not worth it.
I guess so. only if I can get my mind off from me.
I can't control my emotion though i can think rationally.

that's why I hate thinking about guys.
it's so wasting of my time.

If there is one guy who likes me alot and I like him too, it will be perfect. I need this simple thing.
Like each other. Take care of each other. Care about each other.

What the fuck wrong with NYers???
Why the hell are so many jerks in ny??

Oh man.... I shouldn't get involved with him...

If he fucks around, I will.
Though i din't tell him( of course) I slept with another guy.
and I dated with another guy.
I don't see any possibilities between us.
so i'll just say "NEXT!!!"

I met a guy who has a difficult background.
As I studied psychology, I found out that people's childhood really affect their later life and their personality.
It's called psychoanalisis.
I think he is the case too.
Now he is so successful, rich, nice that people don't look down on him at all. Rather they respect and admire him so much.
But inside him, there's something. Something bothering or irritating all the time.
I see him feeling not well and very cocnfident at once.
I see his dark side sometimes and I can feel he is not merely happy.
I know he has a goood life and he is confident about his future but because of his childhood memories, he sometimes seems so sad.
I can't stand seeing him like that.
And it makes me think too.
I realized that how much my parents love me and how nice my life is.
I had difficult times as u might know by reading my diary.
But it's not like I didn't have any place to sleep or anything to eat or my parents are abusive or whatever.
I just felt so depressed coz of thinking too much.
I had too much to think about.

I am wondering if our relationship gonna work.
We have something in common which is both had difficult times and experiences that triggered you to try committing suicide.
On the other hand, we have very different childhood experiences.
One had disturbed family and the other have lovinf family.

I guess his inconsistency of attitudes come from his inner side.
I mean his sad memories.
He wanna be "normal and happy," but his attitudes don't prove he is.
Maybe he wanna have a healthy relationship but he can't coz he is too afraid to be hurt.
He saw many bad things and experienced them by himself too.
I am,too, afraid to be hurt again so i unconsciously protect myself.
But my insecureness bothers him and it leads misunderstanding to both of us.
Its so vicious circle. We know we like each other but we can't really commit to a "relationship." Coz none of us wanna get hurt.

So i decided to prove him that I am harmless to him.
He can like me coz I'll never hurt him.
It's hard for me tho.
I am insecure and not ready to be such a girl like innocent and secure. If he fuck with me, I'll be hurt.
I gotta pretend like im ok whatever he does,
I believe u no matter what and
I have unconditional love to him.

But now i doubt it's gonna work or it's such a good idea.
He doesn't wanna have a relationship but he does wanna have sex with me.
He gets angry when i go out with guys or dance with guys.
But think about it. We are just friends. maybe we are heading to be " sex friends." In that case, he has no right to argue what I do.
I always wonder what he wants and what he thinks.
I can't fully understand but getting better understanding about him.

I ask myself everyday if i like him or not as a man, future boyfriend.
I know there will be lots of conflicts between us coz of different perspectives.
But maybe it will work well.Do u really wanna give a shot?
Do u think negotiation will solve all the problems?
If it's not gonna be a long-term relationship, do u wanna get involved with it yet?

There's no answer.

Since I broke up with ex, I hate thinking about a "guy" or relationship.
I kida avoid to think. I just try to forget and move on.
But i don't know why I can't do that this time.
I cried over him not to end up with me.
Though I know we are not a couple" yet" (that what he said to my friend describing our relationship) I wtill wanna stay over his apt and have sex.
It's same thing that i've done before
IT's the same all over again.
One litttle thing that's different from other sex friends is that he still cares about what i do.
But i need a guy who cares about me not what i do. I don't need a guy who just cares about sex.

I guess I need a time-off to think about myself and doing my own stuff like he does.

I'll have fun by myself.


from May to now
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